A New Mower

            So, there I was recently in the checkout line at our local Lowe’s store with a cart. On this cart was a large box, containing a lawnmower. I had to make the trek to Lowe’s for said purchase because for the second time in two years, if you recall, the self-propel unit broke. I wrote about the first time this happened. The elderly gentleman in the neighborhood who repairs lawnmowers had to order parts to fix the thing and I think they came from Zimbabwe or someplace near there because he had my mower for five weeks and it cost me nearly $100. I had visions of the same thing again, so I thought, screw this, get another mower, and place the old on the curb for “big trash day”.

            Have you ever noticed that when you put things like old lawnmowers, old grills, furniture, snow blowers, or old anything large on the curb for “big trash day”, it never makes it long enough for the trash truck? It is sort of like the nighttime version of a yard sale, except without prices. Every single time I come out in the morning to get in my car, my trash can is there, but the big trash item is gone. Amazing! Sometime in the middle of the night the trash fairy came and took my junk that doesn’t work.

            Back to Lowe’s. I had not bought a lawnmower in a while, and not at Lowe’s. This was like mower heaven. One entire aisle of mowers. Are you kidding me? I didn’t need a mower with a Keurig on it. They had the same mower with the choice of three different engines. Huh? Why? I just want to cut grass, not qualify for a NASCAR race.

            After pacing carefully up and down the aisle, studying the differences of features and prices for about 30 minutes, I made my choice, and loaded a box onto a cart, and headed for the checkout.

            There was only one person in front of me and no one in back of me in line as it was not busy in the store. When my turn came, the friendly young woman came out from her perch to scan the box and greeted me. “Hi sir. How are you doing today?”

            “Peachy.”

            Apparently she thought the word peachy was funny because she laughed. I find when I use that word, a lot of people laugh. Anyway, I pull out my handy-dandy Lowe’s card and got ready to run it through the machine and sign and head for the car, but noooo, not so fast. She had questions for me. I had forgotten I have a ‘major’ purchase. Oh no! Alert the media!!

            She was looking at her screen, ready to read her lines from Macbeth. “Okay, Sir, on this item, you have a full one-year warranty, but you can purchase an additional one year, three-year, or five-year option.” Then she looks up from her screen and over to me. Oh brother. I hate this crap. I smiled and declined. I anxiously moved my card toward the reader.

            “Would you like to pay for this with zero interest over 18 months or …”

            I never heard the rest. I wasn’t interested in the rest. A crowd was starting to gather behind me. They were looking at me. I knew what they were thinking. I’ve been back there before, thinking the same thing. “What is taking this clown so long?” Besides, we don’t do debt any more anyway and I knew Lana would pay this bill next month, so I just politely said, “Zero interest please.”

            I readied my card. Can you believe it, she wasn’t done. “Would you like to donate five dollars to the local Children’s Hospital?”

            I looked at the guy behind me. He looked at me, shook his head, then turned to the growing line and announced, “It’s not his fault. She’s hitting him with all kinds of questions.”

            I expected her to pull out a kid from a room and ask me to adopt them, but no. I finally was allowed to run my card through the reader. I actually heard my card sigh as it went through. I signed my receipt and skipped behind the cart to my car.

            I have to tell you this real fast. I put this thing together. Lana was not there. I put oil and gas in it and used it. Lana got home and looked it over. She pointed to something on the mower and asked, “What is that?”

            “I have no idea,” I replied.

            “Didn’t you read the book?”

            I really should write a post on just this. The differences between men and women. She should know better than to ask such a question. I am not going to read that book unless I can’t figure something out. What we are talking about was on the deck of the mower on the left side as you look at it as you mow. It is plastic and it spins and sits up about an inch and a half. It served no purpose in operating the mower, so I didn’t need to know about it, so therefore didn’t need to look it up in the book.

            Lana did. Women need to know about EVERYTHING. A couple minutes later, she walks out with the book in her hands.  She has a smile on her face. “Know what that is?”

            “What?”

            “You hook up your hose to that then start up the mower and it cleans up underneath.”

            I looked at her. My mind doesn’t work like a lot of people’s though. “Wow! That is pretty cool.”

            “See? You would have found that out before me if you would have read the book.”

            Yeah, there it is. The zinger I have come to know after 35 years.

            “Yeah, well, the book didn’t tell you the other uses of that device.”

            She knows better than to ask, so I went on.  “If you leave the hose hooked up and prop up the mower, it becomes a sprinkler.” She moaned.

            “Wait. The best is I can now throw the hose over my shoulder and go back over lawn a second time and water the grass.”

            She walked off.