Who is Going to Take This Crap off Me?

            Do you remember when your body was pristine? Maybe you, the reader, have that body because you are still young. Well, listen up to this old timer. Enjoy it while you can. Look it over and remember it now. It ain’t gonna last, my friend.

            I remember those days. Ah yes, seems like yesterday. I even had hair. I could read without glasses. I could hear the television on a lower volume. People didn’t have to repeat things. And crap wasn’t growing on my body.

            What is this stuff and when did it start to grow there? I think it started out as a few simple dark moles, maybe on my arms. I’m not sure. I don’t remember and I wasn’t paying attention. They may have started on my chest. Then I got more of them, like an outbreak of Ebola. I remember thinking, “What’s up with this? Can I get rid of these things, like warts?” Not really. They sort of quit coming and I got used to them. What was I going to do, use some sort of makeup on them to hide them?

            I know our Lord has a sense of humor because he wasn’t done with me. The next thing that came my way was tag moles. Yep, as I got a little older, these fine wonderful things started to pop up on my body. Now then, the Lord just didn’t give tag moles any old place and they weren’t all small ones either. Oh No!!! He played with me and gave me a couple little ones under my arms to annoy me, at the base of my neck to itch like crazy, and then some monster ones in some fine places I can’t even begin to mention, high on my thighs. I have gone in and have many of these fine things removed, but who is going to remove THOSE particular ones? Huh? Would you? Not me. I don’t care how big my student loans are for medical school, I’m not touching those!

            And let’s talk about hair. When I was young, I had it. Now that I’m older, I still have it, it’s just that it moved, like a California mudslide. When I was young, fairly good looking and blemish-free, I had a fair amount of blond hair on top of my head. Due to genetics on my mother’s side of the family, beginning at the age of 17, it began to leave me. During my freshman year of college, I could pull my hair straight back and walk into a bar without being carded. It went downhill or uphill from there.

            As I have grown older, the hair mudslide has continued over my body. Many of you men out there with this genetic problem know of what I speak. When I was young, I had a little hair on my chest. Now I look like Godzilla. I used to have absolutely no hair on my shoulders and back. Now? Need I go there? There apparently has been some kind of hair waterfall taking place over the years. There is more hair on my butt than there is on my head. What is up with that? Is that fair?

            If you go into a transplant guy, they take hair from the sides of your head and implant them into the top of your head. Why? The hair on my head is grey and thin. The hair on my butt is black and thick and apparently doing just fine. Hey, take as much as you need from there! Or my back. Or my shoulders. They all have black hair. Even my legs have black hair. Just not my head, the original source of my hair. Age sucks. Who is going to take this crap off me?