Reading Randy’s post gave me the
idea for writing this one. Now that we
have started the new year, I know a lot of people have a habit of making New
Year’s resolutions that tend to last about as long as the wrapping paper of
their Christmas gifts. Personally, I
don’t do New Year’s resolutions. I
silently do what I call New Year Hopes.
Yes, I said silently. I normally
don’t tell anyone about this, even my wife Lana. It is just like a silent prayer for the New
Year, a wish list. Here it goes.
First
the obvious. Without slamming my
religious beliefs in everyone’s face, I am a Christian and I will just simply
say that my number one wish is for everyone I know to have a happy and healthy
year. I say that, but with the
understanding that that is out of my hands.
I wish the same for everyone out there reading my words. I wish for a better year than last year for
everyone. The Lord has been very good to
me since I have come out of pain a couple years ago. I continue to build a small transportation
business that is going well and am thankful for that.
I
wish to complete the first draft of my memoir of the years of the migraines and
depression. It was a terrible time and
looking back on it now, I don’t know how my wife stuck through it with me. Once the first draft is done, I promise to
drop back to “The Zealot” and finish it and get it out there, finally
publishing it once and for all.
Finally,
I wish to repair friendships current or ones that used to be. Because of my past with pain, I spent a great
deal of time, 25 years, with no friends at all.
Now I find myself in a situation that is very odd and you readers may
find hard to believe. I simply don’t
know how to be a good friend and I don’t think I am very good at it because I
have found myself running them off since I have come out of pain. I consider myself a nice guy and am a pretty
funny guy, which tends to attract people, but then I’ll say something stupid or
do something stupid to drive them away.
That comes from my years of pain and depression and anger at
myself. Writing this memoir is teaching
me a lot about myself and helping me to heal.
This has gotten so bad, I have even ticked off my dearest friends, the
members of this blog. It isn’t their
fault, it is mine.
My
wish for 2015? To heal, to repair. To have The Lord help me make that final step
back from the Hell I went through all that time. The worst is over, but it isn’t over. I realize that now. The thing is, I want my friends back. I have done my part on some of them and offered
my own apologies in the past for what I did, meeting them half way. Some of them did things to me and need to
apologize to me as well. I can’t do that
for them. It is my wish for healing to
happen. The thing about this may sound
so trivial to most people because it is “just a couple past friends” so “move
on”.
I
get that line of thought. Now place
yourself in my past. Imagine you living
my life. Because of intense pain and
anger, you literally have no friends for 25 years because you run EVERYONE off
who tries to get close to you. So now,
now that I feel good and am cured, I CRAVE friendship. I crave it but screw it up. It makes me nuts to get these people
back. It also makes me close up and not
want to meet anyone else new.
"My wish for 2015? To heal, to repair."
ReplyDeleteKeith, you are well on your way! Your memoir will be like no other. I imagine it raw in the most honest way, because you are always honest. Of course, you have a knack for finding humor where no one would expect to find it. As I have always advised, 'be yourself...and always'.
And stop sweating over us Forgers. We are tight, Brother. Just because we'd have you set up camp and catch all the fish and fight off the natives on our castaway isle as Heather, Mike, and I pass around the only book we brought ("Hillary" by Hillary Clinton); it doesn't mean that we don't love you.