The Human Warranty

            Have you ever had a great day going, with a nice, crystal clear blue sky above, birds chirping, everyone smiling, and ten dollar bills falling from the sky?  That happens right?  Anyway, you have a great day going and then it just goes to crap.  It’s like someone wandered by with a crap wand and waved it over your day and WHAM!! instant change.  Ever had a day like that?  How about a month like that?  Or longer? 

            2006 was it for me.  I hit 50 that year.  Recently, I went over to Missouri to visit my parents.  They’re both in their 80’s now.  My wife and I make the relatively short trek of 4 and half hours to Cuba, Missouri every month or so.  I thought back to 2006 when we were there this last time because one of my sisters was there from Florida with her two daughters.  As we tend to do, we were telling stories of the past, and that got me thinking.  I wanted to walk the few steps over to my parents and slap them silly.  Yes, you read that right.  I wanted to slap them.

            Let me explain.  Aside from my chronic migraine problems I have written about, I was pretty healthy up until 2006.  Things changed after that.  It became apparent to me it was their fault.  My birthday is January 30.  In Late January of 2006, my wife came to me and said, “You need to take next week off.”

            “Really?” I said, “why is that?”

            “Because I’m taking you to Las Vegas for your birthday.”

            Nice surprise.  I did as I was told and took the week off.  We boarded the plane and took off.  About two-thirds along the way I noticed my left eye got very blurry.  I lost almost all of my sight but said nothing.  This was my birthday after all and I figured it would go away. I kept my mouth shut.

            The next day my wife steered me on a preselected path.  We stayed along one side of the main strip, telling me we had a reservation for lunch.  Long story short, we made it on time and we were directed to a table where our kids were there with their spouses, giving me the ultimate surprise.  The biggest surprise was I couldn’t see them until I was right up on the table because I was concentrating on following Lana so much.

            The second we touched down I made an appointment with my eye doctor.  It turned out I had a detached retina.  He immediately sent me the same day to a retina specialist.  After several weeks of treatment, my eye was saved, although the sight, while great, is not the same as normal.

            As the treatments were taking place, I was able to drive.  My depth perception sucked bigtime and really still does, but you learn to adapt.  During the time of my retina treatments, one day I found myself walking along one of those really wide sidewalks downtown.  Since I had lousy depth perception, I didn’t notice the sidewalk change in elevation.  I lost my footing and broke my right ankle.  Fabulous.  Three weeks before I was supposed to go on a fishing trip.  Not just any fishing trip.  This was a tradition my cousin and I had been going on yearly since 1975.

            One incident is an accident, two is a catastrophe.  A freak of nature.  The Earth off its axis.  Obama screwing with Obamacare again.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I need to slap my parents.  On that day it became crystal clear to me that at my birth they didn’t take out the extended warranty on my body.  It ended with my 50^th birthday.  Do I need any further evidence?  I mean for crying out loud, in 1956, how expensive could that extended warranty have been?  A few pennies a day?  I would have paid them back. 

            With the technology today it is an amazing thing too.  Maybe some of you have it.  As I understand it, using myself as the example, when my body part broke, a slip of paper would have shot out my butt, saying, “Detached retina, left eye…covered under warranty 6645998327…see Dr. Maturi immediately Greenwood, Indiana.”

            Did I get that?  Noooo.  Way too cheap.  I’ve had to suffer through other injuries since then too and watch actual body parts fall off my body as though I have leprosy.  And just like Obamacare, once the deadline has passed, you can’t get the warranty.  I’m going to start duct taping airbags all over my body for safety.  If you see a guy walking down the street who looks like the Michelin Man, don’t fear him, it’s just me.

Author Keith Krulik